


Inside Job

by Piano_Padawan



Series: The First Order's Trash Compactor [2]
Category: Inside Out (2015), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Damerux, First Order, Fluff, Gingerpilot, Gingerpilot Week 2018, Humor, More characters to be added, Multi, Reylo - Freeform, Snark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 16:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14597262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano_Padawan/pseuds/Piano_Padawan
Summary: "The minds of the First Order men are very fascinating workspaces. They’re surprisingly stable in their unstable ways. Besides, the Resistance has been exposed, placing the First Order inches away from obliterating their foes and claiming dominion over the entire galaxy. What could go wrong?"In which Kylo and Hux's emotional team at headquarters don't know how to create a functional mindset, much less deal with romance. Follow the Emotional Teams of Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Fear and Emoness on their journey as two evil maniacs navigate their way through destroying and dating the Resistance whose mindsets will prove very different from their own.Or The Last Jedi "Inside Out" Style.





	1. A Brief Introduction to the First Order Mindset

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own neither Star Wars nor Inside Out.
> 
> This idea popped into my Star Wars-filled mind while watching Inside Out. I hope this brings some smiles!

Do you ever look at a murderous lunatic and wonder what is going on in their head? Surely, the minds of the people behind the solar-powered planet killers and the infamous three-pronged lightsaber must be very frightening, but interesting places, and you’d be right to think so. You see, the minds of the First Order work very differently from those of happy-go-lucky Resistance fighters.

Take, for instance, the emotional state of the Resistance. In a typical X-Wing pilot, the dominant emotion is Joy. Consequently, Joy does the bulk of the work in the mind’s headquarters and the majority of the Resistance fleet’s core memories are happy ones.

Contrastingly, Joy has a much more relaxed job in the minds of the First Order.

In the case of one such Armitage Hux, Joy has very little work to do. For that matter, it would appear that the Armitage’s Joy went on indefinite paid leave years ago. Fortunately, there are other emotions to do the heavy lifting in Armitage’s head. He’s gotten along splendidly with Anger, Fear, Sadness and Disgust.

Alright. Maybe he hasn’t been getting along “splendidly”, but at least he’s surviving…

Let us now turn our attention to another specimen of the First Order, Kylo Ren. Ever since his transition to the dark side, Kylo’s mental headquarters have undergone some major remodeling. One key difference is the fact that Joy and Sadness seem to have been fused into a single emotional entity known as Emoness. Having the power of two core emotions, Emoness definitely takes charge over most of Kylo’s mind, though Anger plays a dominant role as well.

Kylo’s Fear works part-time. For the most part, Fear takes a backseat to the other emotions and relaxes in the corner of headquarters. That is, unless one of Kylo’s Fear alarms go off, but that’s only triggered by attractive force-sensitive scavengers and threats relating to his grandfather, both of which he rarely encounters.

As you can see, the minds of the First Order men are very fascinating workspaces. They’re surprisingly stable in their unstable ways. Besides, the Resistance has been exposed, placing the First Order inches away from obliterating their foes and claiming dominion over the entire galaxy.

What could go wrong?


	2. Holding Out for General Hugs

General Armitage Hux gazes out from the bridge at the planet of D’Qar wearing something vaguely resembling a smile. In theory, he should be happy. The First Order has succeeded in locating their enemy’s headquarters and caught them amidst their evacuation. The Resistance should be an easy target, especially with the new Dreadnought Hux has been dying to try out.

“I have orders from Supreme Leader Snoke himself,” the general says. “This is where we snuff out the Resistance once and for all.”

It’s a momentous achievement for the First Order. He really should feel some sort of joy. Instead, he just feels tired.

_In Hux’s mind, Sadness looks out at the bridge. No one looks particularly excited about the day’s agenda. It could be considered solidarity._

_“It seems like ages since the First Order’s last victory,” Sadness laments, pushing a few buttons on the emotional console. “I miss Starkiller base.”_

_“We all miss Starkiller base,” Anger growls. “We were so close to getting Joy back on the job with the destruction of the Hosnian System. Then, the Resistance scum just had to ruin it. But never mind that. This is where we get revenge.”_

_“I don’t think Armitage needs revenge,” Sadness says. “Armitage needs sleep. When was the last time we slept?”_

_“Oh, let’s see,” Disgust pipes up. “We tried to sleep roughly 36 hours ago and got five hours in before Ren had to wake us up with his screaming. What the hell is wrong with that child?”_

_“I don’t know but I think he was using the lightsaber on the water fountain again,” Fear says. “That lightsaber looks dangerous. Remember the way Ren choked Mitaka the other day? That’s pretty scary. We’d better be careful.”_

_“Enough about Ren!” Anger snaps. “Armitage thinks about him enough already. Now we need to focus on revenge and ending the Resistance!”_

_“Yes, sir!” the other Emotions shout._

The transmission system starts to ring. One of the technicians answers the call. Her brow furrows in confusion.

“General, Resistance ship approaching,” she says. “Guns and shields in attack mode.”

“A single light fighter,” Hux mutters.

This can’t be good.

             

Poe Dameron steadies his X-Wing, facing the fleet of Star Destroyers. BB-8 is nagging him about being unprepared and reckless again.

“Happy beeps here, buddy, happy beeps,” he tells the droid, who lets out several uncertain chirps of binary.

He types a code into the transmission system and waits for the Finalizer to answer the call.

“Just for the record, Commander Dameron,” he hears Leia say over the intercom, “I’m with the droid on this one.”

“Thank you for your support, General,” Poe replies. He takes a deep breath. “Happy beeps.”

_“Do you really think this is going to work?” Fear is pacing about Poe’s mental headquarters. “General Organa doesn’t seem to think so.”_

_“General Organa never gives us enough credit,” Anger grumbles._

_“Of course, this is going to work!” Joy exclaims. “We’re the best damn pilot in the whole Resistance!”_

_“Can you stop screaming that every five minutes?” Disgust says._

_“I know we’re a good pilot, but a prank call?” Fear protests. “A prank call for General Hux?”_

_“It’s a good plan!” Joy whines. “It’s not every day we get a shot at a Dreadnought and get to flirt with one of the First Order cuties…”_

_“I still don’t see why we find him attractive,” Disgust sighs._

_“He seems so unhappy all the time,” Sadness comments._

_“Come on, guys! Let’s get excited!” Joy says. “We’re going to take down a Dreadnought!”_

 

“Attention, this is Commander Poe Dameron of the Republic fleet, I have an urgent communique for General Hugs.”

Hux hears sniggers echo through the bridge. The First Order can be a very immature workspace at times. He should have learned by now not to let them get to him, but some degree of insecurity is inevitable.

_“Poe Dameron?!” Fear shrieks, seizing control of the console. “Did he just say Poe Dameron?”_

_“He’s just a Resistance scum pilot!” says Disgust._

_“Isn’t he the one on all the Resistance posters?” Fear says. “The handsome one with the nice face and the toned muscles and…”_

_“All the Resistance pilots look attractive,” Sadness moans. “It’s too bad they’ll never even look at us. All we have are a bunch of old, grouchy men in the High Command. They hate us and we hate them. We don’t have friends, much less a boyfriend. Look. Everyone’s laughing at us.”_

_“They should show us some respect!” Anger seethes. “We’ll show the Resistance scum pilot! We’ll show the whole Resistance and the First Order!”_

“Patch him through,” Hux orders, scowling as usual. “This is General Hux of the First Order. The Republic is no more. Your fleet are Rebel scum and war criminals. Tell your precious princess there will be no terms, there will be no surrender.”

He pauses, awaiting Dameron’s response.

_“Solid burn, team!” Disgust proclaims._

_If Hux’s emotional team were in the mood to give high fives or celebrate, they would. Sadly, they haven’t had a celebration ever since Joy left._

“Hi, I’m holding for General Hugs,” Dameron’s voice comes across from the other end of the line.

_“Kriff!” Anger screams._

_“Oh stars… he’s… he’s…” Fear stammers, curled up into a ball below the console. “I think he’s flirting with us!”_

_“What do you know about flirting?” Disgust asks._

_“Just the way he said ‘Hugs’!” Fear cries. “You can just tell he’s flirting with us. There’s a hot pilot on the transmission system, and he’s flirting with us!”_

_“We haven’t had anything like this happen in years,” Disgust gasps._

_“Wow,” Sadness says. “We’re completely unprepared for this. I guess we’ll just be humiliated. This is just like the other day during the lunch break. No one wanted to sit with us and we were too scared to ask Mitaka to join his table. Then Phasma said…”_

_“Wait!” Disgust interjects. “I have an idea.”_

_Disgust saunters over to the headquarters library and pulls a dusty binder from the shelf._

_“What the hell is that?” Anger asks._

_“This is everything Armitage has ever learned about flirting and romance,” Disgust announces with pride. “I’ve kept track of everything Phasma has ever told us along with all the bits and pieces we’ve learned from observation.”_

_“There’s no love in the First Order,” Sadness remarks. “How would we learn by observation?”_

_“Shut up!” Anger hisses. “What’s in the binder?”_

_The binder contains two pages written in very large font._

_“I never said we had extensive knowledge,” Disgust says. “But it’s all we have to work with. According to this, we need to use the ‘Hard to Get Strategy’.”_

_“That sounds difficult,” Fear says. “Are you sure we can pull it off?”_

_“Of course, we can!” Disgust replies. “We’re a First Order general against some plebian Resistance pilot. All we need to do is insult him. Let him know we’re totally unimpressed by his stupid jokes and whatever we do, do not blush.”_

_“I think it’s a little too late for that last part,” Fear says._

“This is Hux,” Hux says with extra venom. “You and your friends are doomed. We will wipe your filth from the galaxy!”

A brief pause. He wouldn’t exactly say he’s looking forward to Dameron’s response, but part of him wouldn’t mind keeping the conversation going for a while. Yes, he knows the responsible thing to do would be to shoot down the lone X-Wing and proceed with the attack on the base, but it isn’t every day he gets a call from one of the Resistance heartthrobs.

Not that he views the Resistance as at all romantic or attractive. Still, Dameron isn’t too bad looking. Hux wouldn’t exactly mind meeting him in person. Maybe he should order the piloting team to move the Star Destroyer closer, just enough to pull in the X-Wing with a tractor beam.

His hands have started to sweat as he awaits Dameron’s response. His heart flutters. He thinks of a film he watched a few days ago, one of the old ones from the days of the Empire. He doesn’t watch old romantic films too obsessively. Of course, a member of the First Order High Command has much better things to do at 2 AM in the morning.

But if, hypothetically, the general was to consume such media, he would be interested to see a few more of those romances between the daring TIE Fighter pilots and the ingenue bridge worker.

“Okay, I’ll hold,” Dameron says.

And that’s the only response Hux gets. It’s a far cry from some of the dialogue from the “love at first sight” moments in the films, but life is never like the movies…

“Hello?” Hux says.

No answer.

“Can he… can he hear me?” Hux asks the technician managing the transmission system, who nods. “He can…”

 

Meanwhile, Poe Dameron has started to pick up a shift in the conversation. It might be just his imagination. Then again, he’s had enough flirtatious encounters to notice when a man sounds flustered.

He has to admit, General Hux sounds pretty cute when he’s flustered.

_“I don’t believe this!” Disgust says. “Does Poe actually find this lunatic from the First Order cute?”_

_“Well, he’s always liked the ones with the slim figures,” Joy explains. “Also, that strut we’ve seen on the spy footage from the First Order is pretty adorable.”_

_“If General Organa finds out, we’ll screwed,” Fear warns. “We should probably focus back on the Dreadnought…”_

_“Wait – I just had a great idea!” Joy interrupts. “He’s already flustered. We should see how far we can go…”_

_“I don’t like the sounds of that,” Fear says._

_“Why don’t we try teasing him a little?” Joy suggests. “Come on! It’ll be fun! Besides, no one can resist us! Not even the First Order…”_

_Joy presses a few buttons to prepare the perfect compliment. Unfortunately, Disgust gets in the way._

“Hugs?” Poe says. “With an ‘H’? Skinny guy, kind of pasty?”

 

Captain Peavey is smirking in the corner. Even the Stormtroopers are holding back laughter.

_In Hux’s mind, an alarm has gone off in headquarters. Half the buttons on the console seem to be broken._

_“We’re blushing,” Disgust groans. “We must look ridiculous! Just watch! Someone’s going to take a picture of us now and before we know it, the entire First Order will be laughing about us blushing! What if Ren gets hold of it?!”_

_“The Stormtroopers are laughing at us!” Fear sobs. “Oh no. What if Dameron hears the Stormtroopers laughing at us?!”_

_“He was never going to ask us on a date anyway,” Sadness says. “And we’d be too scared to ask him ourselves. Romance and social engagement in general aren’t part of Armitage’s skill set. At least we don’t have a social life to begin with…”_

_“He’s testing us,” Anger says. “We need to show him who has the upper hand.”_

_“But if we offend him too much, he’ll never call us back!” Fear whines._

_“But what if he gets the wrong idea about this relationship?” Disgust asks. “We can’t let him think we’re going to be a pushover. We have to set our boundaries! We just need to think of the right thing to say and try to stay calm.”_

_“Armitage has never been good at staying calm!” Fear cries. “What are we going to say? What if Dameron’s already hung up? What if he can’t hear us?”_

“I can hear you,” Hux says. “Can you hear me?”

“Look, I can’t hold forever,” Dameron replies. “If you reach him, tell him Leia has an urgent message for him…”

Captain Peavey crosses over to Hux.

“I believe he’s tooling with you, sir,” Peavey says.

“About his mother!” Dameron ends the transmission.

_The alarm is blaring in Hux’s mind. Everyone in headquarters knows what happens when Armitage loses it. There’s only one way to appease him – wreak havoc on the Resistance. It might not be the best strategy from a romantic angle, but if that’s what needs to happen to avoid crisis, so be it._

“OPEN FIRE!” Hux screams.

 

Following the attack, the team in Poe’s mental headquarters reflects on the incident.

“Okay,” Joy says. “Maybe the ‘your mom’ joke did take it a bit too far… next time, I think we’ll just stick to the cute ‘General Hugs’ nickname.”

The rest of the team nods in agreement.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, constructive feedback is appreciated. :)


End file.
